Sometimes people are capable of having so many terrible ideas that the end result winds up being quite good.
Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway know that only too well. Between them, Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway have had plenty of bad ideas – covering everything from Mommie Dearest to Aaron Carter – but now all their combined bad ideas seem to have looped past the point of infinity and returned as one brilliant idea.
And that idea is the public spat that Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway have now found themselves involved in. It’s so inexplicably perfect that we want to cry.
So let’s start by listing all the bad ideas that led up to this point. The first bad idea came when someone decided that they’d remake Bonnie And Clyde starring Hilary Duff.
Now, this is obviously a bad idea because the original Bonnie And Clyde was a masterpiece of cinema that didn’t just usher in a new era of American moviemaking, but also inspired one of the world’s best ever songs.
Meanwhile, a Bonnie And Clyde movie starring Hilary Duff is legally obliged to feature either a song called I Love All My Special Friends or a new ending that involves Bonnie Parker, having learnt her lesson, riding a unicorn over a rainbow to the sound of Mmmbop by Hanson. Either way, it’s going to be awful.
The second bad idea was letting Faye Dunaway know that someone was remaking her film. You see, Faye Dunaway isn’t the effortlessly glamorous young star of Bonnie And Clyde any more – she’s a cranky old witch whose last major interview ended up with her hurling the journalist out in a blind rage.
Tell Faye Dunaway that Hilary Duff will be taking her part in a new Bonnie and Clyde film and you’re essentially reminding her of her own mortality. And that can only end in bitterness – and, if you’re lucky, a catty quote like this:
“Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?”
Which brings us to our third bad idea – telling Hilary Duff that Faye Dunaway doesn’t think that she’s a real actress. Which is actually what happened yesterday, and E! Online was there to catch the bizarrely out of character reaction:
“I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is. I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now, too.”
And there we have it. Three genuinely hopeless ideas that have merged together and created the best idea of all – a rap-style beef between an embittered 68-year-old woman and a young girl who might still be a virgin. But just because we were never expecting Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway to get involved in a public catfight, it doesn’t mean that we’re not going to enjoy every second of it.
But who’ll win? It’s not an argument that can be settled in a traditional way – like a ‘who can remember the most about the Cuban missile crisis’ competition or a side-by-side comparison to see whose genitals look least like a butcher’s offcut bucket – so there’s only one thing for it. A bikini wrestling match between Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway in a paddling pool filled with jelly.
God, we’ve got to stop visiting those specialist websites.