Fuji Fine Pix – Hot Or Not Edition

By | January 30, 2009

Hanson was featured in a write up about a “new edition” of a FujiFix camera. Poor 1997 Isaac.

Every new camera on the market is touting some powerful facial recognition software. But according to Gizmodo engineers, there’s a lot more that can be done.

Straight from our R&D department, we’ve received this crude mockup of a “Hot or Not” Fuji Finepix camera. It features:

• Attractive Facial Recognition
If you’ve got it, flaunt it! Finally, a camera made by beautiful people, for beautiful people. A heart-shaped matrix surrounds the heads of worthy and automatically snaps the shutter at peek hotness levels (smiles, lustful gazes, or just staring off in the distance with absolutely nothing, and we mean nothing, going through your mind).

• 14 Megapixels
Take sharp photographs that can be enlarged for family, friends and guys who say they’re agents! Choose between “billboard” and “ultra big billboard” sizes and just wait for your face to go on the next Gap sign, or just a very high resolution amateur pornography site.

• Audio Alert If “Third Friend” Detected In Frame
While competitor’s products can become confused if two hot friends are standing next to a third, unattractive friend, snapping a shot none the wiser, the Fuji Finepix is equipped with a blazing fast processor that picks out the frumpy with greater accuracy than humans in clinical trials.

• Ugly Facial Deletion
Maybe it was a platonic friend. Maybe it was just a fat kid. It’s not their fault (well, maybe it is), but the last thing you need is to fold photos in half to cut out the troll standing beside you. The FinePix will autocrop the ugly subject out, or just put a big “X” over their face along with some stink lines.

• Self-Portrait Mode (may not function for all customers)
A special auto shutter takes shots as soon as your beautiful face enters the frame. And it will not stop taking pictures until it either runs out of batteries or you gain the freshman fifteen.

• Wireless Uploading to Facebook
The Finepix makes sure every single picture you ever shoot uploads instantly to Facebook, in duplicate, just in case. Automated metatagging includes “hot person who would never think they were hot” and “Barbizon 2009.”

Coming Christmas 2009, pending our lawyers can figure out the clear licensing issues and those ab growth pills we ordered out of the back of Men’s Fitness ever start working.


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