Pop group Hanson have decided to follow up their 1997 mega-hit MMMBop with a more grown up sound, surprising many by moving into infectious diseases. Fans have described their new track MMMPox as ‘sick’ and ‘ill’ and ‘a real killer’.

Music industry insider Rachel Rutherford said ‘MMMPox is clearly very, very catchy. There was an early release in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and it’s just been spreading like wildfire. People are literally dying for it. I’m sure it will break into the European markets soon – and if white people start dying for it, then the world will actually take notice.’

The band M People and the footballer Kylian Mbappe have denied any involvement with MMMPox. M People asked ‘what have you done today to make you feel proud?’. Mbappe replied that recently he had scored on debut for Real Madrid and as a result won the European Super Cup but he was proudest of publicly trashing the French far right.

Elsewhere, Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst briefly stopped buying canned goods and facemasks to say ‘Death is coming. A new pandemic is on its way, just a few years after governments the world over failed to learn any lessons from the last one. Put the champagne on ice and rev up those VIP procurement lanes. The Tories are ready for some serious misconduct, without any consequences, obviously.’

Hootington-Hurst broke some special glass and sounded the bugle located behind it.

‘I have summoned Boris. May God have mercy on us all.’